Retrospection, Preparation for Christmas

I dreamt last night a young girl was busy tending to things she needn’t. She didn’t notice she had a new baby who needed her attention. I stepped in and told her she needs to take care of her new baby. The baby’s need is great. When I woke up from this dream it was 4 am, and I asked who the girl in my dream was, it came to me that she is me. Somehow I have a little infant to care for. Not literally, but still important. I thought of Christmas and it seems there is a need in me to think back and grasp the meaning of this time from a younger perspective within. Here it is:

A Pregnant Reflection, I am Changed:
(This was previously published in Vol. 1 No. 17 Fall issue of the Catholic Worker “Neighborhood News” 2000, in La Crosse, WI, it has been edited slightly since that time.)

Throughout this pregnancy I have found myself in reflection of many things. This will be our first born child. When we found out we were expecting, it was thrilling and joyous. In the first seconds, though, I felt apprehensive, uncertain, but as quickly as those feelings came, they were dispelled by a strong, sure sense all would be well, all would be taken care of. God reminds us of the care he shows the birds, in their needs and asks, how much more then, will He do to care for us. I remembered this.

Advent is a good time to be pregnant, enfolded in God’s Mystery and gifts. We have gone through child birthing class, baptismal preparation, had a shower, and have a room prepared, all that is left is the day of birth, which is known logistically, but really only God knows when.

There was a holy infant born in a manger with animals and strange shepherds looking in. There was a human father present, in faith, and a new wife and mother. This particular new mother was profoundly conscious of a great gift and responsibility before her.

Multitudes of angels showed their joyous excitement by appearing and praising God, scaring all who were there. So they had to stop singing and announcing in order to calm the fears of the people they showed themselves to. I am sure it was a wonderful fear. One that made all who were there all the more grateful and filled…and open. For Heaven itself arrived and all couldn’t help rejoicing the birth of God on Earth. Imagine the small little boy peeking at the Earth for the first time as a baby, the same as each of us. A lowly birth in a stable, what courageous majesty for Divinity to be incarnated in such an awkward place.

Jeff and I are in awe of the mystery of our child, a unique being from God, gifted to us-growing within me! An ordinary happening, but still miraculous. We have room for our child. We are gifted with clothes, blankets, many things. We do not have to worry about where our heads will rest or how and where I will give birth.

Early in my pregnancy I found the dreams I had were even stranger than usual. One night it was a frightening one and I awoke thinking of that passage in Revelations. In Revelations there is the woman “clothed with the sun” in labor and giving birth. A dragon threatens to devour the infant. A threat, but it is not accomplished. God’s hand is upon the child and the woman is also protected.

My reflection in the wee hours revealed a feeling that there is vulnerability in pregnancy, a specific one of each unborn child. I asked in prayer that night that I may clothe myself in Christ and be a shield and guide for my tiny baby. I had not ever thought before I might have a duty to ask to be spiritual protection for my child. So we learn.

I find it incredible, the communication/understanding I feel with this child. Certain things stimulate the child I carry: food, sermons at church, Jeff’s voice, my singing. I have a big feeling this little being is closer to God than I am at this point, and I am brought closer to the Lord through this child. My prayer has changed, my perspective of Jesus and His Mother has changed. Everyday things are more real. Prayer becomes day to day experiences of miracle.

We are changed. The truth and journey of Jesus and his unusual family speak with greater power to us now. I imagine the day our baby is baptized, I think of Jesus being described as tender and mild. I wonder how Mary thought about all of these things. We are told she was contemplative and aware. When it was late in the 9th month did that little tiny Divinity push on her ribs mercilessly? Did she grow weary, asking, “How much longer?!” I am sure she sensed a precious love stirring within her womb, perhaps that graced her with profound patience.

Entering this passage in life, there are times I have mourned who I was before this. Past that threshold now, a deep joy is growing, a peaceful acceptance is rooted firmly. What a priceless gift. Housing a living soul for a time.

I feed the birds in our yard with the remembrance of the Lord’s promise in caring for the birds, in caring for each of us. I feed them thinking God puts it in my heart to feed them. I should like to be in His plan to provide for others. I am deeply thankful for the care we receive.

Part of Mary’s journey was to lose her son. And she needed to find a peace in that to face her son’s death. So with the great blessing of “God With Us”, came also the agony of loss not far behind. So it is.

With the contemplation of loss there also comes fear. I fear being lost in it.

Yet, this baby who I have not yet met, has connected me to God in a new openness. Somehow, I have now found peace and understanding of loss as Sacred. What is Sacred holds Mystery and Love. The acceptance of loss is an embracing of God, a trust in His protection and care of all. He was born in a stable. Somehow I am comforted. It is a consolation, a mercy, a sign.

More than ever the Holy Spirit calls upon us to open our minds and hearts, our whole being to the precious vulnerable, demanding, needy, heavenly newborn. Each of us, each child unborn and born, needs the clothing of God’s Love. It is our right to have that, but it is also a gift given to us. A gift that often needs to be upheld by others through an insight, grace and compassion. A wise sister told me, prayer does more than we can know.

I pray that each child may receive this armor of love right now, in this world, at this time. May the many parents and caregivers of this age, in this world wear the Christ love as shields to nurture and guide the children with. May the Holy infant Jesus be brought to each of us in this time of Christmas, in a lowly, intimate, profound and beautiful way. May we know the awe of angels voices singing in our midst this day.

I send praise and thanks for the gift, the miracle of life. Amen.

–
peace and good will to all,

Merry Christmas!

Chan Sherin